Holiday Gift Guide for the Perimenopausal Woman

I'll be honest and admit my least favorite part of ye olde yuletide is the gift exchange. I know! So Scroogey, right? I'm delighted to gift the kiddies but adult gift exchanges stress me out. Frankly, I'm happier just spending one jolly day eating and laughing with my favorite people in lieu of three crazy weeks during the busiest season of my work year ordering stuff and shopping in crowded places. 

I've also seen too many documentaries on textile and plastic pollution around the world and the last thing I want to deal with is unnecessary stuff. My heart is big but my house is tiny, so my personal favorite presents are things that don't stick around like Whole Food gift cards, bottles of olive oil and cookbooks which I'll always find space for. Beyond that a wee holiday wink and warm hug will suffice. 

I'm also a big fan of sharing experiences over presents. Am I alone here? Anyone else want to start a revolution? Save your cash buying me another scarf; let's get our nails done together in January!

HOWEVER if a physical gift is definitely on the docket, here's a list of things the perimenopausal women in your life actually need.

Ready, Santa? Let's go shopping. 

1) Magnifying Bookmark

I've been near-sighted with astigmatism since age 11 or 12 and my vision is so bad that leaving the house without corrective lenses would actually be pretty dangerous. My late-90s college apartment had a long wall of mirrored closets and every time I woke in the middle of the night, it'd take my groggy brain a few seconds to realize the shadowy figure in the mirror was me.  

Now I'm 47 and reading tiny text makes my head hurt too. After a humbling experience fumbling around Walgreens' reading glasses carousel, I found these magnifying sheets and bookmarks on Amazon and can't wait to bring them to some chic, dimly-lit restaurant so I can show those trendy 20-somethings what's coming for them someday. Slip this sucker into her stocking to pump up the fonts and her quality of life.

2) Cream. Just any and every type of cream

Your girl's parched-- time to throw some moisture at the problem. I'm not convinced that fancy or expensive is better or necessary. I'm a fan of simple things like almond oil, Weleda and products from my local Japanese convenience store. Along the same lines, consider restocking her favorite sunscreen. My favorites are La Roche Posay and Supergoop Glow Screen. The $8 Supergoop dupe from Trader Joe's is also pretty good.

Advanced shoppers may go for the odd beef tallow face cream I keep getting Instagram ads for. Not suitable for vegetarians or women who'd rather not smell like 5 Guys. I also read on reddit that chicks my age are putting estrogen cream on their faces. Do with that information what you will. 

3) Disposable Underwear leaving zero leaks/ zero odors

When I was 13 and squeamishly coming to terms with my quickly changing body, I would have rather perished on the spot than discuss my menstrual flow with girlfriends. Oh how the tides have turned, because in my late 40s, not only am I no longer shy talking about my period but it has somehow become one of my favorite topics. Recently, one of my fellow heavy-flow sisters (who will remain nameless) passed along a recommendation that will haunt me long past New Year's. 

4) A veritable lending library of menopause education books

All hail the queens leading the charge today, providing the health information our mothers and grandmothers deserved access to. My Texas hometown icon Dr. Mary Claire Haver's The New Menopause and The Galveston Diet are definitely on my wish list. Other books women my age might enjoy seeing under the tree include The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter and The Menopause Brain by Lisa Mosconi.

5) An enormous cache of vitamins and supplements

This can involve all or some of the following:

Black cohosh, evening primrose, vitamin D, vitamin B12, magnesium glycinate, magnesium citrate, magnesium chloride, magnesium L-threonate, green tea, cranberry juice, collagen peptides, Red Clover, Omega 3 fatty acids, calcium, probiotics, prebiotics, antibiotics, ginseng, wild yam, flaxseed, maca, St. John's Wort, Ashwaganda, Theanine, turmeric, creatine and a fiber supplement

Dear God, it's not that hard to figure this out... I don't know why you're making it so complicated. 

6) A sleep aid--something that'll really knock her ass out

Do some research here--I'm not gonna advise on this one. But honestly people of all ages would likely be thrilled if you just tossed a variety of gummies in their stocking like medicinal confetti.

And if the Calm company feels compelled to send me a family-sized jar of these, I certainly wouldn't kick them out of bed.

7) Lean protein sources, organized Jenga-style in the fridge, with the following note:

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve cans of tuna,
Eleven skinless chickens,

Nine turkey burgers,

Eight cups of lentils,

Seven egg-white omelettes,

Six boneless pork loins,

Fiiiive tins of sardineeeeessss

Four hard-boiled eggs,

Three beef kebabs,

Two pounds of salmon

and some low-fat cottage cheese

8) And last (but never least)... Potatoes. Any preparation method

Would you not agree that potatoes make everyone happy? This is a bulletproof suggestion and I hope you take it

Happy Holidays, y'all!

Don't forget to slap a weighted vest on your gal and take a walk after your holiday dinner to help regulate blood sugar levels by allowing her muscles to absorb glucose from her bloodstream more efficiently, potentially preventing spikes and crashes, while also aiding digestion by stimulating the movement of food through her digestive system.